Given it is now spring, which for many people means diet-panic season, I am hereby offering my own well-thumbed advice on the trials and tribulations of balancing the scales.
In fact, my weight-loss advice is so tried and tested I am currently working on a book with Gwyneth. So, here we go.
The first rule of diet success is to be aware of this little-known fact: there are no calories in wine worth counting.
Google the following question: are wine calories equal to other calories? Scroll down until you find the article that tells you they aren’t. I promise you it’s there.
You will need to ignore the one that says the average wine drinker puts on half a stone of fat a year and all other links focused on nutritional value and energy density and just keep scrolling until you find the article that says drinking alcohol doesn’t lead to weight gain.
Print it out. Highlight the “according to extensive medical research” and “some studies report a small reduction in weight for women who drink” bits, and then stick it on the fridge and, while you’re in the general area, pour yourself a glass. There is nothing in life that can’t be solved if you give yourself the chance to sit down with a chardy.
Secondly, diet apps work only if you tick the ‘one row’ option when you’ve had chocolate. Don’t ever admit to the whole block. My other advice is to avoid the ‘snacks and drinks’ section altogether, especially if you’ve had a day of Mint Slices and café lattes. There’s no need to clock anything that gives you energy or makes you feel good. Our body just burns those things off immediately because it is happy to have them on board.
And don’t fill in the app at all on fish and chip nights. I have found, after years of diligent research, that counting calories will only ever work if you track your intake only on stir-fry and soup nights. Trust me on this.
Also, the other thing I’ve discovered is that exercise classes only ever count if you can have a lie-down afterwards. It’s something to do with the calorie-burning process. Exercise for 45 minutes, sleep for two hours, and you feel a whole lot better. Again, trust me.
I find cooking up a big roast with lots of vegetables is a sure-fire way to achieve diet success. Just avoid the gravy. Actually, gravy is full of nutrients so maybe just have a bit. Apple crumble is also full of nutrients, as well as fibre, so you can eat that in abundance.
I’ve also discovered a long walk is an excellent dieting tool, but only if it is purposeful, perhaps even destination-focused, and involves a stop-off for a latte somewhere along the way.
Also, and this is crucial to your overall success at being skinny: only ever partake in a diet product or shake if it has been endorsed by Shane Warne or Kim Kardashian. Unless the product has the word ‘celebrity’ in the title or a celebrity has endorsed it, it won’t work.
And finally, if you’re having a bad day, Google ‘plastic surgery fails’. Some of those duck-lips weigh more than the average woman’s thighs and it’s good to know some people will do really strange things to feel good about themselves.
So a big night on the spaghetti bolognaise is nothing in comparison.
Disclaimer \ Skinny Lattes is not a real brand. Is it not endorsed by Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, baby North West, any other Kardashian, Ryan Seacrest or even Shane Warne. (Istock \ Thinkstock \ Getty Images)
