I’ve just hung up from a phone call with a colleague and said thanks for calling, and then realised it was me who called them.
It’s happening more and more these days. The more I use email and Facebook to communicate, the less I know how to do it using my actual voice.
In fact, sometimes I worry that I actually can’t do it at all any more. I’m becoming phobic. I get a little kind of dry cough thing happening whenever I launch into a phone chat. Well, I don’t really, that sounds a bit dramatic, but times are definitely tough in telephone land.
A friend says a colleague rang off recently by saying ‘‘bye bye, love you’’, even though they’d never met. Obviously he was talking without thinking, or maybe trying to discuss complex data projections while checking his Tinder status.
Weird things like this are happening all the time right now, though. Me, I’m never quite sure I’m hearing the other end correctly. Others are sending messages to the wrong person and if you don’t believe me, just Google “Karen wants her $20 back”. Actually, Google it anyway. It’s the best laugh I’ve had in years.
I’m not surprised we’re losing the knack for phone calls, because to make one these days you have to slide open your phone, put in a password and then try to work out if you need your keypad or contacts or geez, what is it again? To be honest I’m still working it out because apparently I was the last person in Melbourne to have a Blackberry, but at least that phone has buttons. Someone needs to write some new rules for modern telephonic and communications methodology.
For example:
● Pressing the middle knob of your smartphone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve hung up on someone. You need to double check their number is in your recent phone call register before you start bitching about them.
● It is not good to have a business call via Skype wearing pyjamas or skimpy clothes, even if it’s the middle of the night at your end. Get dressed, put lipstick on and don’t freak the poor Americans out.
● Do not chatter on endlessly during a conference call with multiple people because you’re suffering from ‘who will speak next’ anxiety. Trust that someone will speak at some stage; it doesn’t have to be you.
● Try your best to restrict the end-of-call rehash/roundup/repeat of everything just discussed to one time only. Trust that people can remember things, even if they’re not electronically recorded in a sent box.
Here’s a final thought. Imagine if talking on the phone actually becomes obsolete one day. It’s a devastating idea, really, especially when I think I may never ever again have the pleasure of hearing my sister say, “Hello, it’s me” when she answers the phone.
And even more devastating to think that I may never again have the pleasure of saying, in response, “Well I know that stupid, because I just called you”.
Imagine, also, being deprived of the pleasure of listening to voicemail messages on my mobile that feature my mum asking me to pick up the phone. I have explained that you hear the message only once it has gone through to the message bank, but it hasn’t registered yet.
Then again, she is pretty good at believing only what she wants to. She still thinks James Hird is coaching Essendon this season.
