Neither history nor fantasy is very kind to us stepmothers. From fairytales to famous families, we are tormenting or neglectful, vicious and jealous, manipulating and murdering: the “step” in our mother title seems to be a step taken in the direction of danger, and certainly well away from love.
The truth is, of course, a lot more banal than any of that. But if we’re talking steps, let me tell you something: it’s certainly not one that any woman should take lightly.
For many years now, I have had the great blessing of being stepmum to three exceptional young people and our evolving relationship as a family has been the making of me. I guess I have been lucky. Of course I have heard the horror tales of the bratty kids who can make your life hell, but mine have never been anything other than lovely. Even when they’ve been pains in the arse. God knows how they’ve managed to put up with me. They are good people, a true reflection of how well they have been raised by their mother and father.
I’ve been reflecting on what role I have played in their lives as I read a new book on this topic. Stepmother Love calls the job “the toughest gig in the world”, and features the stories of several stepmums. Not everyone has the same approach, but I was reassured to read that many of us share a basic principle and that it seems to have held us all together, even in varied configurations: that the children’s needs come first. And if you’re not able to deal with that, then don’t be a stepmum.
That sounds a bit rough, doesn’t it? Everyone who finds themselves in the position of being in loco parentis will have their own approach to the role, but separation and divorce are now so commonplace we rarely stop to consider the pain – in some cases even the permanent pain – of the loss of the original family and the sorrow and longing that can be so well hidden in children. It seems hard to imagine that a well-functioning blended family can ever be created without mindful acknowledgement by the new couple of this loss; an acknowledgement that loss is a reality for even the happiest child of divorce.
You hear some inspiring stories and also some disappointing tales in this game: of women who appear more in need of parenting themselves than of being up to the gravely important task of co-parenting young people. Women who try to chase their bloke’s first children out of his life; who give their own children preferential treatment, who compete and complain if their new partner attempts to maintain a full life with their children after divorce. I am well aware that it’s not all as simple as that, and some stepmother’s lives can be made hell by other elements, but here’s the bad news: they’re kids, you’re an adult. You have to act like it.
So that’s all that the women have to do – easy, isn’t it! But what about the blokes? I came across some startling figures from the Bureau of Statistics: the 2011 census figures show that 50 per cent of children with a natural parent living elsewhere did not spend a single night in an entire year with that missing parent. I’m going to make a wild leap here and say that most of those absent parents are men, so clearly these poor kids know of no horror stepmum. But the increasing numbers of those of us who are partners in parenting also demonstrate a desire for many men to re-partner in hope, keep their children close and muddle through and make it work.
You know how much I like greeting-card wisdom, so here’s how I think we do it: there’s very little that can’t be fixed with love.
Virginia Trioli is co-host of ABC News Breakfast on ABC1 and ABC News 24, 6-9.30am weekdays.
